Weddings are big business, to say the least. And now, weddings are big entertainment on the lower level cable channels, starting with "Bridezilla", and now "4 Weddings" and one I saw yesterday where I would have told the bride to take a hike. The first red flag was when she said "I always get what I want". So she started spending like a drunken sailor, with my apologies to drunks and sailors. She wanted a fall theme with lots of pumpkins, including carved out small pumpkins to serve drinks in. She also wanted a wedding cake layered to look like 3 pumpkins, and being a hockey fan, she wanted to get hockey jerseys for the entire wedding party, all 18, for 110 bucks a pop. But they would have their name and a custom logo on them. And to arrive at the reception she wanted to arrive on a zamboni, rented for 700 dollars and a pony painted pink for people to pet as they came in at a cost of 500 dollars. The bride's mother wound up being on the hook for the dress. The bride chose one that had a weird brown filigree below the bust line. It was an inexpensive dress at 750 dollars but to get her daughter out of it, she said she'd buy the whole shootin' match..shoes, jewelery, etc. Cost for the dress alone-1500 dollars. Then to make matters worse, they had made an offer on a house that was rejected, but mid-way during the planning, the seller changed his mind and accepted the offer. So the cutting began...The zamboi and the pony were the first to go. Final cost for the wedding, a tad over 29,000 dollars.
Brides and their parents are the most vulnerable at this time. The bride wants the fairy tale of prince charming riding in on a white stallion and mom and dad want to make their little girl happy and that in turn leads to overpriced "extras" that may make for a memorable day, but it's only one day, and reality starts very quickly after that.
I was lucky. My only big expense was two tickets from Frankfurt to New York. We didn't want to go through the hassle of getting permission from Uncle Sam which could take as much as 6 months, so we flew in, had a simple ceremony at the old homestead by the pastor who had been my friend since my very early teens, and then flew back. Planning a wedding was impossible. Most of my friends had scattered to the four winds, and I wasn't going to fly her family in. And my relatives. To be blunt, I didn't like them too much.
In Europe, you are first married by the inequivalent of our Justice of the peace. That's the official wedding that counts. After that, to seal the deal, you can plan a Church wedding. Many don't take that separate step. The Church wedding was only symbolic for Protestants but most Catholics did have the Church wedding. For the reception, most just invite friends and family to a neighborhood restaurant, gifts optional. But, like I said, I couldn't go that route due to not wanting to go through the red tape where where I could just jump on the next thing smoking,
But, the money I didn't spend went a long way toward starting a life that's lasted far longer than many who spent the kings ransom on zamboni's and pony's. We didn't need a "honeymoon"..We lived in Northern Italy. Where else was there to go.
The bottom line is, the divorce rate is still at 50 percent and if I were a financial advisor I'd call the investment in a wedding in the same category as"junk" bonds. And under the surface, what percent who don't get divorced do so out of fear, finances, religious beliefs, and "for the sake of the children". Maybe I'm more cynical than most because of homicides I've covered where the "prince charming" makes sure nobody else has the princess. South Carolina is number 9 in the nation in domestic dispute homicides at around 40 per year. Over 1.3 million acts of domestic violence against women and 855,000 against men are reported each year nationwide: 33 percent of fatal attacks against women are by their partner: the cost of treating injuries from domestic violence is in the billions. Protection from Abuse orders aren't worth the paper they're printed on. Police won't act until "somebody does something". Even some parents don't protect their daughters by reporting abuse because of "shame" or "staying out of their business".
The solution in my mind is very simple. First, make law enforcement more responsive. I was a deputy sheriff in Cameron County, Oklahoma in 72-74. My program director at the station where I worked nights along with my duties with Uncle Sam was a deputy and recruited me because members of the military didn't need weapons training or a background check, and it really aided our news gathering. We rode overnights Friday and Saturday night and most of our calls were for domestic disputes. Unless there was physical violence, all we could do was separate the husband and wife and cool them down. Odds were we'd be called back, sometimes that same night. Even if there was physical injuries, in most cases, the wife refused to press charges and we could do nothing unless they did.
Second, put some teeth into PFA's. In most cases, police won't respond to a PFA violation unless there is actual physical injury. Many times that response is to a homicide.
Third, take the prosecution out of the hands of the abused spouse. If police are called to the scene, don't leave the choice to prosecute in the hands of that abused spouse. In most cases, the spouse will not press charges due to fear of further abuse, or "he's a good guy, just had too many beers".
Anyway, back to Weddings. The biggest decision in life is sometimes botched by common sense being overwhelmed by belief in fairy tales. My idea is have a simple ceremony by a priest, pastor, or rabbi..And if after a year it looks like the marriage is working, have one hell of a party, complete with zamboni and pink pony if you so desire. Because it's not the size or cost of the wedding that counts..It's really about the growth of love and devotion. After all, the remainder of your lives together is a long, long time.
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